After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.