*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.