I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket