Good Morning.
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.