<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
What
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.