*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.