I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
🤣😂🤣
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.