Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
True.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.