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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF