My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you