if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Oh thanks BBC.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
unbelievably distressed by this ad
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.