when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
This is so me 😂😂
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My therapist after every session
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.