Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I need to update my racial profile.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.