Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.