[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”