me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.