The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
🙅🏻
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Thoughts
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.