“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
waiting for halloween be like:
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?