Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science