I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…