one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years