I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.