Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You Might Also Like
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
dutch is not a serious language
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?