Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
It鈥檚 wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can鈥檛 have both.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I鈥檓 not like other girls, I know when I鈥檓 being irrational. I don鈥檛 let it stop me, but still
I hear you鈥檝e been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I鈥檓 schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I鈥檓 going to tell him that Santa isn鈥檛 real.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 馃槶 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
if you can鈥檛 handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don鈥檛 deserve me at my mimimimimi
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Sorry kids, Santa鈥檚 elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 馃槶
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.