The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
pep talk
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.