When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
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[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”