Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The Sun
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?