NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Sponch
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Feels
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Life with a cat in one tweet
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana