[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.