Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Monday
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Hot Panini is in big trouble