*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant