imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)