The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.