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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Your secret is safeish with me
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Why soy sad?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Print is alive and well!!!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?