Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
You Might Also Like
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.