SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
This makes total sense…
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
A small tragedy.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”