*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
This January has 47 Mondays
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”