If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks