i choose….tongue
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.