“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
had to make it
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.