Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.