I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.