Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.