When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.