The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.