Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.