Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers