If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion