BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No