[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You Might Also Like
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[adds another nod to the conversation]
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”